Taxidermied Harry
by Koros
Summary: One-shot. The final battle between Harry and Voldemort... with my own personal touch making it quite stupid. R&R.


Disclaimer: Anyone who thinks I own Harry Potter is a crackpot and needs to go to a nice white room.

Taxidermied Harry

It had come down to this. Years of terror, years of hope, years of waiting, and years of fangirls drooling had come down to this--- the Ultimate Climax!

Harry Potter vs. Lord Voldemort! Angsty teenager vs. seventy-year-old snake face! Potty vs. Moldy-Voldie! Frodo vs. Sauron! Pepsi vs. Coke! In other words, the Good vs. Evil fight of the century!

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

In the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie, in the Tower near Mount Doom, the Eye of Sauron looks indignant.

"What? You're a floating eyeball. You have nothing on Moldy-Voldie."

Sauron's Eye develops a twitch.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Harry and Voldemort stood alone on the battlefield, wands ready. They were in a stalemate, glaring at each other as distant screams could be heard as well as odd random animal noises. Harry knew a spell, guaranteed to kill Voldemort. However, the price was that he had to die as well, and Harry wasn't quite sure he had the nerve to do that. And besides, McGonagall had threatened him….

FLASHBACK-----------------

"Potter! If you don't come back alive I'm taking points off Gryffindor! The end of the year's coming up, and I want to win the House Cup and rub that slimy git—er, Professor Snape's face—in it."

END FLASHBACK------------------

Suddenly Voldemort cleared his throat. "Before I kill you, I'll tell you my greatest secret, seeing as you won't survive and all."

Harry raised his eyebrow. Okayyyyyy…..

Voldemort looked him in the eyes. "I think you're cute," he stated bluntly.

It took a full five seconds for Harry's brain to register what dear rotting Voldie had said. His eye twitched. "NOW I'm ready to die!" he shouted, and unleashed his Spell of Doom. Both Harry and Voldemort fell dead. Yet one more example of how Voldemort has a hobby of kicking himself in the ass.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

A few years later….

STILL on the SAME battlefield…

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Well," said Dumbledore to his merry band. "We finally defeated all the Rabid Squirrels. Now it's time to fight the Death Eaters!"

"Wait a minute, where's Harry?" Hermione had, being the genius she is, noticed Harry had been missing for … um…. A long time….

"Who crunchcrunch cares? We've crunchmumblecrunch nachos!" Ron mumbled.

"Shame on you, Ronald! Ten points from Gryffindor!" McGonagall spazzed.

"Oh dear," Dumbledore suddenly looked like someone had stolen his socks again. Yes, the woolen ones. He had spotted Harry's (by now rotting) corpse.

"Oh no! We took too long fighting the Rabid Animals!" Hermione wailed.

"More nachos for me," Ron mumbled.

"Ten more points, Mr. Weasley! And another ten from you, Mr. Potter, for dying!"

"Everybody, wait! Harry's state isn't permanent!" Dumbledore shouted triumphantly. "I have an idea! Where's the nearest Taxidermist?"

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

After Harry's little taxidermy encounter coughstuffedharrycough they paid a visit to Flitwick. "But," Flitwick informed them, "I can only Charm him to say three things. What shall they be?..."

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Tales are told, rumors, myths, and legends abound, centering on a certain "Boy Who Once Upon A Time Lived". An animated corpse, forced to wander the earth and charmed to randomly say three things: "Yes.", "No.", and "Snape is a slimy git." Sad to say, Ron Weasley never noticed the difference between live Harry and dead Harry.

Far into the future, this doomed corpse wandered… and nobody really cared except for once in a while, someone would wonder…. "Who the hell is Snape?"

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Author Note: Um, I just thought I really should post something sometime. No, I don't hate any of the characters, I just let this…. Grow. It happened. Please review, of course. Flame, even. Just acknowledge the fact you read it, at least. Thank you.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X


End file.
